random....**$@.....shreds...

I finish my exams tomorrow....been waiting for this impatiently...being pretty much cut off from the rest of the world....isn't all that pleasant...gets on my nerves at times....and to release tension I lose myself in the virtual world of movies...and my fantasies....

I tend to get very very uncomfortable...when I am by myself after sun set...Cannot begin to imagine this horrible feeling of sheer loneliness that begins to creep in....Although I know nothing could go wrong...I mean sucurity is good here...but something doesn't feel alright if its just me ....and it freaks me out....

Im reallly really excited about goin home in some months time...Plan to be super stingy to save up money for my plans....but my fiends are starting to complain already when I mention this...not much going out all that often....Over the past few nights I have been dreaming about my childhood nest...the garden....I used to run off to and hide from my mum..when she was trying to get me to do a sheet of maths problems...or trying to shove boring chicken stew down my oesophagus....I still hate chiken stew...

Every time mom tried to feed me something nutritious I would consider her my biggest enemy and plot ways to escape from her clutches...I used to be one Naughty kid....mommy would get complains every now and again from school...about me beating up a guy..or bullying someone...at lunchtime....and one line that never failed to appear on my report card was "she is very talkative in class"....that was something all teachers would consistently winge about....but over the years no one has been able to do anything to change it....

Those good old days...makes my eyes moist when I remember them...gone never to return...I had been wanting to go back to the house I spent the initial 12 years of my childhood in....for a long time...but have been caught up with a lot of things...and have thus been procrastinating....but I am goin to take a walk down memory lane this time when I go home.....my dreams have lately been a montage of the itsy bitsy slices of those 12 years...

It feels wierd knowing when I go home this time..not all the familiar faces I am used to seeing would be around...I hate being all grown up....and seeing that sense of security and bonding I felt would last for ever between me and my friends...gradually disappear....not that its always the case that things aren't working out for us ...but more that life takes us in different directions...and I would never have thought five years back that I would be far far away from home on one bright winter afternoon typing up this blog...and being all nostalgic...

I still remember the times when I used to play dressups with my cousins....lock ourselves in a room and pull out all the pretty sarees and dresses and try them on...and pose in front of the mirror....it was so much fun...I happened to mention this to my roommate the other day...and told her about how no one wants to play dressups with me anymore coz they thnk I'm being childish...and she came up to me last nite and said she would play with me after i finish my exams...YOOHOOO....

the things people give up to be grown up...makes me sad...

life or the so called life

sometimes it makes me wonder...what is the purpose of living the life im living...I mean living life like a nobody....is not something appealing...yeah sure when you are born you parents, other family members and neighbours perhaps rejoice at the miracle of birth yet again...a new life being among them... but that sure is short lived...over the span of "life" on the face of this earth...we also tend to make friends (some very close ones one could treasure for life) and some not that close... & acquaintances of our own....and then if you travell across the barrier of this life and into the next one..the one called afterlife....again sure a few people would miss you...but that is all...

I cannot remember when I lost my desire to strive for a few things I thought were really important to me....and I can't remember when a few people I thought would be there with me for life...left my side even before I had begun to understand the complexities of life...and it hurt a lot...suddenly finding myself alone..without the familiar faces around....but I guess this is life...and you learn to live it as it comes and move on....Moving on is probably one of the most commonly used phrases...one can come across....evryone is advising evryone to move on with life all the time...its easier said than done...

especially if you tend to be one who cries bucketfulls when watching melodramatic films and get dewy eyed at the merest mention of loved ones....Its kindof embarassing I tell you...

I am very happy today due to a variety of diferent reasons...but somewhere at the back of my mind...I feel a tad melancholy...I dreamt about things I thought I had gotten totally over and thought that I had managed to get out of my system...it seemed pretty surreal too...but was a stupid dream after all....but not everyone gets the thing they wish for....wishful thinking is fun but is limited to being a figment of our imagination.....mostly....

Oh I wish I could get so many different things....and be with some people....I would like to be with....wishful thinking...but i so so wish...for things to change...

strangeness....

Have my exams goin on now...one down two more to go...they are pretty spread out...and hence finish late..screwed up and made a stupid mistake in the first one...suddenly coudn't remember the log likelihood function of a duration model that follows exponential distribution..:( but im pleased with my johansens cointegration and vector error correction model answers...poured my heart out....

..and I got a fantastic Job offer tooo....I'm so soooooo happy...start early next year....the pays pretty good too...so its all good...

I'm also looking for ways to subtly breaking off with someone....there seems to be no spark and I'm incredibly bored tooo....man this one is gonna be pretty hard...missed a frnch film last weekend:(....but plan to go see the counterfeiters sometime soon. heard its really good..and besides its an interesting plot based on real facts...

I also learned that i get to spend more time in india now than i had thought i would be able to earlier...P is coming back this saturday....will be lonely no more!!!

trying to deal with Taylor's rule rite now...so I'll get back to that....

review...

watched yet another french film...anthony zimmer....backdrop is france obviously....watching it ...i found myself lost in another world...some effect...good flick...recent too...a 2005 release...to me it seems....thrs something magical abt the country itself...when ever i tell my friends about the french connection (oh well my obssession with france!!) everyone tells me french people are rather rude and biggest snobs among EU...and its just in films that france is portrayed as i see it...which im in love with...and reality is different from the virtual world....i know its true...but the child inside me tells me never to let go my imaginations...and live just in reality....
If I were given a choise to live anywhere on tis globe it would definitely be paris....i can't remember what triggered my obssession with france...but its been there for a decent while...and seems to be growing intense with passage of time....I have always been a dreamer....My dreams are rather bizarre too..i must say...i wake up most mornings thinking...wow that was cool...i wish it were for real...at one point of time used to be sci-fi dreams...not had much of those in recent past...neway...getiing back to what i was saying...One of my resolutions this year was to at least start attending classes to learn French...hoping itll happen....
have so much to do this year....hope they all...or at least most of them happen...times flying tooo....so hopefully NOvember will be knocking on my door sooon...enough... ;)