white noise....& the reflective silence....

i kept drifting into and out of this trance like slumber so often...it felt like i was heavily drugged...a light..almost feather like feeling..but a head as heavy as lead...can't begin to describe it properly...but that was what the beginning of this week was like....i got back home yesterday....and the insomnias siezed me....it has me tightly gripped...beginning to live like a zombie...not getting enough sleep..resemble a ghost more than i resemble a frail human....

inspite of the fact that i dnt have a well balanced diet...i donno where from pimples get their nourishment...they are happily...multiplying...(OH god...no no its not multiplying...i meant they are playing their own hide and seek game).....i dont nourish a farm...hehe....

i have been watching quiet a lot of films lately...a wild mix of hollywood and bollywood (kindoff)....among ones i saw..worth mentioning is LOLITA...well yes its the picturisation of the "ïnfamous" controversial russian literary Vladimir Nobokov....

Well anythign out of the ordinary...or if i may say...deviant from normality...undoubtedly ...gets my undivided attention....to put it in a better way...i get hooked on to uncoventional stufff...lol be it people..or things...or idea...hehe...

nd i tried reading the book a year or two back...but the style of writing though excellent..the descriptions described in the book are pretty detailed...and i wasnt quiet able to continue with the book...but wanted to hear the end...and hence decided to get the film from the closest dvd Place....well..the film excellently made...Jeremy irons...the guy who plays one of the protagonists (prof. Humbert) did a great job...and his nymphet...the 12 yr old ...dominique swain...a gorgeous girl...did justice to the character......i felt mixed emotions while watching the film...while it kindof disgusted me the whole...nymphet...middle aged man screwing relation...at the same time...i appreciated the bond they shared..their little "secret"....oh well..all in all.....a good film......

My my it seems i have no life...its a miserable feeling...im embarrased even admitting it...but its kindof true...but yeah...oh welll....im happy in my unhappiness...and depression...and all that crap...nothign i do can make things betetr...got the hang of trying...so im goin with flow...lets see where i end up...lol....

end of another year...

Boy was this year quick...it flew past in the blink of an eye...hard to bilieve its almost 2008 can feel myself growing old...no xcitement about birthdays...or new year..or nething else about life in general ....lol...feels funny...when i think about it...its just more responsibilities...more of crapped up life...nd nothing atall interesting to look forward to...all i can see when i close my eyes..are..a cracked mirror....a dark...dingy room....smoke outside....nd bad visibility....clouded vision...i plan to plan such a lot of things...but my rotten luck..i guess...that nothing i ever want or plan goes as planned...lifes just fucked up....learnt from past expirience...no more elaborate planns for me...going with the flow...is better..at least no more smashed hopes and broken hearts....hope though that the new year is a bit different....have many randoms things in mind....lets c if they happen...gotta go now...

AN emotional FOOOLLL.............

My my was today a busy day....i had wrk all day today...pretty much....first at my usual place nd then at the park.....i did the night shift....which wasnt too bad...my trainer...was an auusiiee gal ( tasiee to be more precise) and we talked heaps....coz it wasnt a crowded day....hardly neone was coming to out window...hehe....she turned out to be way younger than me...though her built...(shes a significant bit healthier than me) suggested otherwise....neway.....it was super windy when i left milsons point....looked like a night shot out of a bollywood film.....i pretended to be a lost scared gal (actress ...in case someones wondering)...hehe......
Yesterday....chritmas party was good....it was at a hotel .....ambience was great...and people had shed their office look and also...i have noticed that at such gatherings one actually gets to see the animal inside....behind the composed features.....plenty of food and drinks...i hardly ate the main course...coz 1) i had too many prawns (entree) and i cant bilieve i actually tried half a fried baby octopus...wasnt as disgusting ias i had anticipated it to be...it actually tasted “normal”..but i couldn’t get over the fact that it was an octopus.....nd checked it....
Neway....i wore all red....except for my JACKET which was black....DAMN...have to buy a red jacket...although black was quiet acontrast and looked good....nd i looked good (ok...i know you must have raised your eyebrows already....abt how “HUMBLE” i’m ...but i cant lie can i.....???)but it turned out a lot of people at work turned up in red...well no one was all RED though ....from head to toe....apart from ME..ME....ME.....;)i tried LONG ISLAND ICE TEA....BoY! was it good....the first sip hit me....i felt it....got kindof a bit “TIPSY”after that and some champagne....all the things ...feelings ...emotions ....i have been trying to block out came rushing back....and i almost did call “someone”up.....but didnt...eventually....thank GOD for that.....or it would have turned into a messy episode...may be....
These days i have started doing stuff i normally wouldnt do....i kindof try not to think toooooo..much before doing something...coz my habbit of constant analysis just spoils the fun ......wrenches it out of a lot of things....nd i actually quiet like it this way....
Oh well...slept in today...a bit ...and then work as usual....nd then luna park.....finised work at 10:00 got hoem at 11pm....and chit chatted with my roomies for a while...just finised watching WO H LAMHE....one of my favourite films...not coz i think the protagonists have done a really good job..but becoz.....i can relate to the plot...it seems so surreal the fact that some one can love someone else to the extent they have portrayed in that film.....would have to be bloody lucky....i would say....this films mesmerizes me every time i see it...no matter how many times i have already seen it..i always end up with moist eyes....towards the end....its just too touching....but im trying so hard to become a stone hearted soul......would be better offf......i reckon....all this emotional stufff...seems like a waste of time....and breathe....coz at the end of the day...LIFE is a bitch...and people around even more so....nd i tend never to get nething out of time invested into nourishing relations.........
GOD...its like quater to three almost...and im up late typing up this blog....what the helll.....i so dont have a LIFE.....DAMMIT!!!!!i am goin to visit a frnd tommorroww..she has heaps planned...which hopefully...if weather permits....we will be able to do all that she has plaaned out....then.....some more time devoted to nourishing relations....lol....its my birthday.....another damn....day....nother year closer towards DEATH......tahst how i have started looking at it.....DAMN...i sound majorly depressed even to myself.......CRAP.....i should be happy.....neway...im too tired....should go to sleeep i guesss.....signing off.....

this thing called...LIFE

hehe...im back yet nother evening....or should i say nite...was so convinsed that i would not waste time...well i did make an honest effort....but DAMN...SEEK was stuffing up....will make nother effort to do some work now....wanted to try out some noodles from the shop down the corner...MAN...did i get a shock...it says FRIED HOKKIEN NOODLES...nd the pic is quiet a decent one..a platter full of prawn...and somethign tht resembles chicken...but when i started eating and chewed half of this ""THING"" did i realise i just swallowed an octopus....eoooowww....neway...never experimenting with asian food ever again....something amusing happened yesterday...lol...i walked into the house ......rite into an almost "OX-making" ....took me a sec to realise and thn i bolted out of the door to get a good laugh...hehe....

tomorrow is our office chrissy party....well im wasnt too xcited abt the party untill today...when on the train back home...my friends and i started gossiping..to be precise BITCHING....muhahaha..abt certain other interesting people...nd the discussiion is bound to continue and get juicier tomorrow...looking forward to it...OH and most of all....IM the RED gal tomorrow....its an all red look i shall have.....i ox dressing up needless to say...nd im obsssessed with RED!!!!well its at coogee at some hotel....nd after lunch we can take full advantage of the promiximity of the BEACH....nd strangely enough ( its great though) we can dress up in beach compatible outfits if we wanna....cant wait for tommorrow....its gonna be heaps fun...and mite be travelling to the mountains to visit a frnd and look arnd over the weekend....nd then MONDAY is my DdAY...not that im too xcited abt it...this day has lost its charm....gone are the days when i used to wake up a happy angel on the day.....now too much is on in life....the excitement getting drained too often....neway....thats how life is i guesss...LIFE...or something called LIFE....

yet another meaningless moment....

its the end of another weekend...sunday nite...almost Monday (SHIT!!!) i should be in bed....but as usual insomnia.... insomniac---ihave become one....is keeping me up...nd my too much of brainwork...more of wastage....hehe....i should have gone out with a friend yesterday..but....didnt feel like socialising....doesnt sound like me to myself...but yes....stayed home today as welll...ended up doin some productive work though today.....talked to my folks....didnt have much to say..they kindof picked up the hesistation between lines....nd someone else tried their best to annoy me as much as possible.....a nutjob....neway....nother week of office and then....its holidays.....

Woke up to a phone call from WRK today...i completely messed up my roster...i was meant to be working today...but instead was in dreamland....and woke up to my supervisors phone call....lol....have to be more carefull...made a blunder on the first day of work too with the cash...thats a story for soem other day though...hehe...talked to a couple of friends after a long time todaay...managed to piss one of them off totally.....to a point where shes isnt talking to me nemore....damn dnt knw how to make her see the intended joke that she took seriously....

im so tired...after awhole two days of doing nothing..it amazes me...how i can still be tired....may be its the mental drainage or is it somethign else...donno....too tired to figure taht out even...its time to say nitez....

the uncanny....

i have always been bit too curious..unhealthy curiosity for the world beyond us..the other world...of the supernatural...well who isn't interested in them...evryone is rite?? i have always wanted an encounter of the sort (with a spirit or soul) my granma used to spank me whenever i brought this up.....but yeah...neway...back in 2001 while in high school had tried seance with my cuzns...well not seriously..ended up pouring molten wax on ourselves...but two years back we tried it seriously again..and this time..i felt somethign...so did one of my cuz....liek a chill going up the spine...were too scared to ever bring it up again...thats nite i cdnt go to sleep kept seeing wierd patterns and shapes in the dark...and the entire nite there were rattling noises near my window sill....man was i scared....

never went dwn tht lane ever after that ....ended up doin no productive work in the morning...my roomies niece came over..a 4 yr old...shes such a sweetheart....seeing kids makes me appreciate a lot of things in life...at times...wonder what it wld be like to have a kid hanging around me all the time...shld be fun...neway....my world pretty much revolved around her for the greater part of the morning...nd later had some good time conversing abt how shitty life can be...as usual.....but a lot of things and perceptions in general about life have changed for me...my cousin actually got kindof worried abt me when i was talking to her the other day....she thought i had issues i shld discuss with her...or i would apparently go mad...

Now im super sleepy...tried to watch a film..but mind wasnt really into it...then tried reading a book but no cdnt do tht either...just digging into past...was goin thruough some conversation i have had with some then significant people...lifes such az bitch...i tend to get penalised for all sort of things i havnt done..donno why...this restlessness is just

with or without a reason....

another day is getting over...a bright sunny day it was....quiet an ok day....i was having a conversation with one of the gals at work...she is having troble in her relationship...so is my roomie...evryone i know is kindof actually.....evryone thinks their problem is the worst ....to each his/her own....i guess...a lot of people..friends from back home and here....i sometimes think (well actually a lot) why do people like or even love other people...what is it in others that attracts people to them...i go for the inside person more than outside....not tht it doesnt matter but...yeah...neway....a high skool friend txtd me today...from india..i had lost her number...and kindof she had been pushed to the background...too..even though we spent good times together this time.....felt good she acyually took time to sms me and let me knw her details updated...ill try to keep touch....theres these few people....even if i channelise a lot of effort into keeping good terms with them..they cdnt be bothered....or rather..make sure they make it obvious....this after a lot of sweet memories...is just a shocker....one feels really hurt for a week or so..then it kindof sinks in..and then you learn to accept things the way they are and live on like it never happened....i guess....certain times...though....its just horrible...a fresh stab...when u have a normal conversation...and get the feeling its all like old times...but no...the misunderstanding is cleared up soon enough when u hear the back bitching/back stabbing from random people...shreds of conversation that is....i have stopped trying to work out these things once and for all.. they r just not worth the effort...just a lot of wasted emotions and breathe on a lost cause....im really hungry...should go eat something...

nothing better to do....

its nearly 9:45 pm....i just got back home a while ago....damn tired...had a quick dinner....and i can almost feel the drowziness....slumber is like heaven....
i was supposed to start some serious work....but due to various reasons...came home really late today....have been getiing almost migraine like headaches for the past two days....dont knw whats wrong.....have a million things on my mind rite now....

as confused as ever abt loads of stuff nd not a soul i can talk to...was hoping to talk to my cuz...but shes a sick puppy for now...so i guess things have to wait....somethig else made me realise tht my pain threshhold has increased...not a pain wimp nemore kindoff...hehe...im writing all nonsense...i guess shld get back later....to exhausted to think straight...nite..

death of communication.....

havent been able to blog for a while...welll the neighbourhood network i used to access is dead...and so has resulted in communication being cut off between me and the rest of the world....im currently reading a novel by an afghan author...Khaled Hossein...THE KITE RUNNER....some book...very touching story....im quiet a wuss at times...i have been constantly crying while reading the book...its an involuntary reflex....i have...very emotional...set against the backdrop of war ripped afghanistan mostly....

Have to start working on my thesis though...promised myself that tonite would be it....when i stop playing around and do some serious work....Last weekend was spent in nourishing..or at least trying to nourish relations...dont know if its still mal nutritioned or recovering...hehe...but neway...the total effect was desirable...caught a bad cold on my way back home at night though...and have had a fever and sore throat...runny nose...the full package in short ever since...heaps betetr today....nd something else thats happened is im gonna be working at a theme park as of this week...

It should kindof help in driving away the constant y of my ambience (mostly)....fingers crossed....nd will earn me some extra bit ofcash as well...so all good in the end...i was alone at home....so before the depressive mood could set in ...i escaped into the cyber world and here im now sittign in a cafe blogging and talking to a high school friend of mine....my roommates arent gonna be back untill late tonight...CHRISTMAS PARTY time.....neway.......im gonan go back and do some serious reading cook up some edibles and also try to catch on some lacking sleep.....guess thast all there is to be said....gonna have to deal with absence of cyber world...for a while till i get a decent net connection....signing offf......