Me MySeLf & Me...

its kindof really really late...im not sleepy yet..so decided to waste some time blogging randomly...
im listing as many things about me as i can remember rite now...

1)Im a capricornian...typical one pretty much....
2)im a dreamer...big dreamer...someone very close to me once said...dream deep coz every dream precedes a goal
3)My favourite colour is ReD (currently im obsessed with red ....i really mean obsessed when i use the word...)but otherwise i like black heaps...
4)i love beaches...the water...sea kindof attracts me...in a wierd way...hard to explain...
5)i love mens perfume....well dnt get ideas...but i really like...
6)i imagine myself doin something totally different from what im stuck in rite now...
7)i failed in a unit purposely once just to prove some silly point....
8)im really lazy...i plan to do a lot..but lazyness is getting in the way....
9)im an only child...not spoilt though...
10)i have had glasses since year 11 but never really wore them at all....untill i got my contacts...
11)i have difficulty buying shoes for myself..i hav ekindof small-ish feet...mostly have to preorder....
12)i love being lost in my own world most of the time...imagining all sorts of things i wish would happpen in real life...
13)i like boiled broccholi....
14)i hate milk....but love cheese and ice scream..we all do...im a caffiene addict...
15)i have a fetish for shoes...and dresses...
16) i have phases when i have fixations for different things...been through hair ties..pens...jewelry...
17) i aim to own 365+ earrings sooon enough...already have close to a 100
18)i have spent a whole 15 hours some day watching tv nonstop...stopping only when my mom snatched the remote out of my hands...
19)i scream and chuck thigns around to release tension at times...when im really reallly really angry about something...(doesnt happen to often)
20)i cant whistle in tune....wish i cld..tht would be cool
21)i manage to get chapped lips...pretty often..i keep licking them all the time...
22)if i could do whatever i want..i wld be in the medical proffesion...
23) im obssessed with doctors...
24)i have certain wild fantasies about about certain things...dnt ask me what...
25)wish to get a tatoo and another piercing done some day...
26)have decided the names of my kids...if i ever have them...
27)i love photography...would like to pursue it out of interest some day...
28)im obssessed with the irish accent...sounds so cuteeeee....
29)my major obssession is with the language french...or as a matter of fact nethign to do with france....
30)if i could live newhere in the world apart from my native place..i would pick paris...no doubt...
31)i have always wished i had a sibling..an older bro....
32)i would love to learn to play the piano....
33)whenever i am sad or feel down...i feel like doin something extreme...
34)i would love to go bungee jumping ,para sailing, and scuba diving(at the great barrier reef) someday...the lists actually pretty long...
35)i fall for people who have a nice voice...nd r great at expressing themselves...
36)i have had horrible choices in men...as far as past record says...damn..never found someone i reallllly like....still looking...!!!
37)never used to listen to my teachers in classs....
38)im a big chatterbox...cant live without talking...my schoool report books can vouch for that...(teachers cribbed about how i talked too much in class)
39)i have a sweet tooth...a pakka bangali at heart...but hate rassogollas...
40)would love to elope and get married without neone in the world knowing....
41)in love with gerard butler currrently....
42) im a wusss...i cry heaps when i see emotional stuff in films...hence never wear eye make up to the cinemas...
43)i dont like being by myself for too long....
44)always need to be given enough attention by people...
45)really like it when people say i look prettty...
46)can be a psycho when im angry...which isnt too often again...
47)hate it when people waste food....makes my blood boil...
48)love my food when it has heaps of meat in it....
49)am pretty adventourous when it comes to trying food...nd other things tooo....!!!
50)i would love to be part of a detective agensy snooping around...
51)if i could have ne wish granted i would love to be able to have the power to bend time and space...like Hiro nakamura...(courtesy Heroes)
52)i love watching animation films...i try and convince everyone around me to join me in...i can be very persistent..
53)i hate being addicted to things...well i dnt really get addicted easily...
54) i have lectured guys ( pretty much all smoking-guys i know)about y they should quit smoking...nd at times drinking too...i actually bug the hell out of them..
55)i push away people if they get too close to me...i love having my personal space at all times...
56)i am a masochist...well not totally...but can be...hang on im not a psycho ...
57)i love losing myself in the world of films...
58)said things i meant from the core of my heart...but mistaken for something else..
59)felt for someone so deeply..but was unsure abt how to establish somethign out of it....
60) broken a couple of hearts...well didnt intend to but.....it just happened...
61)seen a complete solar and lunar eclipse...
62)have had recurrent nightmares about being out in public...in the nude..i mean having forgotten to put on ne clothes at all....SO Freaky...
63)gotten drunk...coz i was sad and bored..and angry with someone...
64)always had laughing fits...when i fall and hurt myself..or people around me meet the same fate...i just cant stop laughing...
65)been in the middle of a food fight in high sckool...
66)would love to date a random charming stranger....i imagine them a lot...dnt get wrong ideas...lol
67)danced with stranger(s)...on a new years eve...nd cdnt even recollect what he looked like the next morning...
68)stolen from a shop..just to see if i could get away with it...
69)made elaborate lies and lied through my teeth...to random people...on the train
70)slept through an entire day....i mean actually slept for like 19 hours...
71)pretended myself in bollywood sequences...
72)danced in a heavy downpour...
73)bitched about someone...and discovered minutes later...the bitcheee was overhearing my conversation the entire time...
74)been misunderstood by so many random people....who don't know me bloody well enough...
75)seen a baby delivery...in a public hospital....
76)experimented with food...nd ended up being disgusted with whatever the hell i had eaten...
77)one such instance was that of me being disgusted...eating raw oyesters...nd clams...
78)im mortally terrified of insects of all kinds....
79)strangely attracted to snakes...well not attracted..but i think they a kool creatures...
80)been depressed ...and actually liked it for a while....
81)have had few fashion disasters...over a span of 4 days...dnt ask me what...
82)admitted to a moron...more of a Bastard of a kind..that i had a crush on him...damn..i cant bilieve i said it...
83)bit of a dare devil....done things just coz my friends bet i couldn't do something...
84)walked over a live cockroach...eooowww...
85)purposely avoided answering phone cals coz i didt feel like communicating for a whole 2 days...
86)experimented with food preparations and ..it actually turned out well...
87)have liked someone somewhere for a while...but didnt know how to bring it up....DaMn!!!
88)been asked out by a homosexual....individual...
89)have had bad hair days....
90)have not seen the native animals in this country ..even though i have been around for a long time...
91)plan to learn French at least start classes before the end of this year...
92)walked into people too many times....did it 6 times today itself...
93)eaten almost raw fish in a sushi...
94)have had crushes on people...only to get over them..when i got to know its mutual...
95)fear i mite die young...coz of various reasons...
96)cant do a certain swift pen trick...with my fingers..i have tried heaps...and given up
97)i talk a lot in my sleep..actually have ful on monologues...with laughter..and exclaimations...and everything...
98)have spent hell of a lot of money on..clothes....
99)cant sleep without holding on to something....usually my cushion...
100)caught staring at people....and hapened to meet eyes with the staree...
101)led on people in certain ways....and felt bad about it later on....
102)felt happy about myself after doing something good...immensely happy....
103)think drawing or painting can be major stress release....have to start on that soon enough...
104)wish to witness a bItCh fite so badly....its funny lol....
105)sometimes wondered/wanted to have a handsome obssessed stalker (the type shah rukh khan played in Darr)....
106)been in way too many embarrasing situations....

phew thats a lot of things i typed up...enough of this....man..i just made up nonsense all this while...boY am i bored...
signing offf....

ThE RiSk CaLlEd LiFe.....!!!

i found this somewhere on the www...and would like to plagiarise this...its so true...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing dies nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They say they avoid suffering and sorrow,
But they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live...
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves.
They have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

First thing that i heard when i walked into work today was that Heath Ledger was found dead at his residence...a massuese and his housekeeper found him midday american time yesterday...first my reaction was that of shock..i mean..a 28 year old hot fit actor..suddenly dead...(apparently no foul play ivolved...but just mere drug overdose...).....
these are things that make you wonder...well it certainly makes me wonder...how uncertain life is..and how i have no clue if ill live the day to see the sunrise tommorrow.....I have certain stigmas (mental stigma) from certain incidents....that came flooding back to mind....neway....i just saw this film at the cinemas last sunday (20th Jan) starring heath ledger...its just so hard to bilieve its true...

Not that great a start to a day i guess...but whatever....i guess th eworld mourns the loss of a hot young ozzie actor...my reaction was somewhat similar when the long exiled Paki president Benazir Bhutto was killed a while back...i mean..she had just returned to her country after a long time...and met her end in a bomb explosion not long after....

Theres so much that i mean to do or see before im tied down with more responsibilities...and grow too old to do things my own way...so much...i wonder if i will be able to do all that...

quiet an abstract post this is i guess....but it does sincerely mimic what i suddenly felt at this moment of time....

IrRiTaNt...

its the first Lovely sunny clear sky day since last week...may soon turn into a rainy gloomy day though...or so the weather forecasts...wish it woudnt...gloomy weathers just make things worse for an already unhappy person...i guess its a general thing...well at least i dnt feel like doin anythign..but lazing around in bed...tucked in my blanket...and looking out the window at the incessant sheets of rain...and the occassional....flashes of thunder ( on a bad storm day) make me squeal and block my ears....

I used to find thunderstorms intriging as a kid...wasnt scared...and would actually run out in the rain...the infamous KaLbAiSaKhI....(people from kolkata would knw the pleasure of being outside during a kalbaisakhi)...aka norwesters.....till my granma told me about a little girl who used to do the same and got struck by a lightening bolt when she was outside on such an occassion...i avoid them since then...

oh well today while i was on the morning train to work...there was a bunch of asian school girls who were discusssing what irritated them the most....quiet an interesting discussion it was....and when i happened to mention at to some my colleagues this topic later on...everyone came up with so many different things that irritated them...

For instance....i get damn irritated when people try to tell me all the time what i should or should not do...nd oh i get irritated by constant repetitive noises....it could be the music that plays on pc or mobile games...or the constant buzzing of insects...or someone tapping away at a keyboard....in an otherwise completely silet ambience....it drives me crazy..all these repetitive noises around.....

What makes it to the top of the list is DuMbArSe Forward chain letters...i mean not the ones that have like fruit art...or scary videos nd things ..but the ones that say a story..or relate an incident and then ...ask u to scroll down....and end like...

"blah...blah....blah...."....if u forward this letter to 5 people u get a phone call from someone in 5 mins with some godo news...if u frward to 10 people u will have good luck coming ur way and will be here to stay for a year...blah...blah....and if u dont forward it at alll then bad luck will strike...and something really terrible will happen to you....so pass it on...."

i mean...i dont get it how people can be so dumb as to even read through them and pass it on...(im ashamed i actually used to do that a long time back...donno what i was thinkin...)and then bilieve in them and forward them and expect whatever it says to happen....MaN!!!

O and the bloody emails i keep getting all the time...abt drugs to increase ur organ sizes...or silica implants....i have tried unsubcribing from these mailing list a million times....i dont knw or understand where the hell they manage to get my email id from....i mean...i check my yahoo every fortnite i guess...and i get 20 to 30 of these junk emails..inspite of my spam guard being turned on...pisses me offf....but i have given up...nothing seems to stop them...from telling me how i shld go for the "miracle Drug" to enlarge things.....

one of my friends at work....was talking about how she got a mail narrating teh incident about

...."a girl(say A) who was in love very much in love with a guy (say B)...and now A was expecting that B would propose to her soon...so one day B asked A out...and fro some reason A thought this was D-day....but B drove her out to a bridge and they got out stood there looking at the sunset...and B broke the silence by saying he doesnt think shes the rite one..and that they should call it off....A was heart broken...and ran home and committed suicide...and when A'a parents got to know that their only daughter is dead they coudnt handle the grief and committed suicide as well....and apprently later on the "girl" well i guess the revengeful spirit they mean....came out of the drain pipe at B;s place and killed B while he was in the shower....."

welll and guess what ...the mail ends with...."if you dont forward this mail on...then she ll come down your drain pipe and kill you tooo.....but if you forward this mail on...shell be happy and leave you alone..."

i mean...how lame is that...how on earth would A know that i didnt forward the mail on??is she some sort of geek....a cyber geek spirit...who can hack into your system and see who you are emailing....and R who related this incident goes...well i know its dumb..but i was thinking what if its true...and there actaully is a Spirit of A looking out for people who didnt forward that email...and what if she come down the drian pipe to pay me a visit....I coudnt controll my laughter when she said that.....i was pretty much fell of my chair and choked over my glass of water......i guess everyone has similar expiriences to share...i guess any joe blow would...

OnE NiGhT...

have you ever thought one night stands can actually turn out to be full on romances..or can end up being fucked up mistakes...which end up ruining the actual proper relationship....welll theres other ways people can get fucked up as welll...i guess....nneway...yet another friday night...and obviously weekend mood kicking in...was meant to be doin somethign else rite now but the damn....fucking weather...just ruined my plans....yet nother time...neway at least will manage to catch up on some sleep and movies and readings...

today i was in a i -feel-like-doin-whatever-the-hell-i wanna...mood....but nature decided to go against...neway...sitting and collecting thoughts isnt too bad either...im surprised at how i like or well wdnt mind doing stufff..i found unacceptable..or dislaiked before...why and how did these changes happen...i donno....wish someone could answer all my Y's and How's....neway....none of what i wrote makes ne sense to me whatso ever...may be not a good time to blog...incoherent...words here and there...all over the place...but felt good to talk to a buddy of mine....may be im just thinking too much...may be ill wake up tommorrow and all the unhappiness..worries will have evaporated....like in the enchanted world...of gizelle....i was watching enchanted...a fun film....nd gizelle who was pushed into the real world NY city....is still hanging on to her biliefs...about her true love...first kiss....nd all that immensely romantic stuff....sounds too good to be true...lol...newho..shld leave it here for now....

PhAnToM MiRaGe....

a few sparkling dew drops here and there...a lovely bright day....the nearly clear blue firmament ...and a random few cumulus floating around...a lone silhoutte on a narrow wooden bridge...and a meandering trickle of a stream flowing underneath...soft laughter of kids playing in th eambience...and the gentle rhythm of ringing chimes....in the mild summer breeze.....a LoSt feeling in thy heart...

This is what i was visualising when my "BlOoDcUrDlInG ScReAm" alarm rudely jerked me out of sleep early today......time to get jerked back into reality and out of the picture perfect world where everything is what i want it to be...as in Im The Queen in that creation...wish things would be remotely similar to taht picture..i have in mind...hehe...
neway on my lunch break now...kind off sleepy...and high (high on tiredness i Guess!!)....coz funny things are going through my mind....

Happened to watch P.S I LoVe YoU...yesterday at teh cinemas with P...my Roomie...Its a romantic comedy....touching flick....tugged at my heartstrings on and off...we were initially meant to go watch American Gangster(which i will tommorow)....but got sidetracked into watching this one....

Two reasons why i loved this film are;
1} starring Gerard Butler as one of the protagonists..reason enough aye...hes so HOT!!!
2}I have been feeling a bit low since the past couple of days...

Having no purpose ...or direction ....or plan whatever the hell one may refer to it as...is damn annoying...It leaves me in a cranky mood whenever i lose clarity of vision...or am unsure about things...so a romantic comedy was the perfect recipe to draw myself out of that state of mind....for a fair period of time at least....

I ended up being so "touched" by the film that i had a hard time trying to hide my sniffles as an involuntary response to nething remotely emotional....hehe....i can be such a wuss ....lol....i was bugging my friend about how much i love the irish accent...(nothing beats my love for french (the language) or anything remotely associated with France for a matter of fact).....especially from a male...i have a fetish for people who can speak well...can express themselves really welll....have had million instances where i had fallen head over heals in "crush"...with a man ..just coz he was well spoken....irrespective of looks....but mostly got nasty shocks when they turned out to be really.....not what i would imagine prince charming to be...hehe....

I also watched atonement over the weekend....another book i loved...movie was equally good...specially the cinematography....got me shedding bucketfull of tears...neway..just realised lunch times over...gotta get going...

RaNdOm ThOuGhTs On An IdLe NoOn!!!

random thoughts on an idle NoOn!!
there isnt much to blog about...really...but i feel like writing something...so whatever random thoughts cross my mind are what follows...
well random thoughts are not very realistic or logical..i must say...i have mentioned this like a kazillion times before that i think too much...some of my friends would affirm that too if required...hehe....and this habbit of thinking too much..has doen moreto increase my restlessness...or make me a sad sad FACE!! Than a happy sad one....(courtesy Cheeni Kum!!!) ...hehe....wow just realised havent seen a bollywood film in a while.....but seen other flicks and done a bit of my readings and caught up with my books too....well..so far this year is shaping up fine i guess....
i saw this dutch film the other day Phileine says SORRY!!!....its a comedy....I liked it..its about this gal called philiene whos obviously from netherlands....and is in a relationship with a guy called MAX who she starts dating the day she ended her relation with herimmediate EX...Dylan....coz he was cheating on her with another chick...Max was óne of dylans friends....and evrythigns goin fine..untill one day max suddenly says that he is going to NY for a year to practise and work in darama and theatre....phileine follows him there after 3 months..and lands up at his apartment unannounced...unable to push the vacuum he had create by leaving...(oh an important fact that i missed about philiene is taht she has a big problem admitting she was wrong and saying sorry!!)
when max walks in to see her..hes shown to have mixed emotions....happy his GF is there....he gets to bonK her after all!!! Oh and they make rain and wind....dont ask me what that is...with a little imagination you can figure that out urself......!!!!
but he is taken aback coz she doesnt know about the play (a pornographic version of Romeo Juliet...he was playing romeo in it....it involved on stage fornication...)..was pretty disgusting....spoils shakespeare subtle romantic background set in the play...newayyy getting back to the story....she goes to one of the rehersals and catches max(romeo) and juliet (a fat afro female) making out....well it was part of the play....neway she gets furious...nd leaves....she ultimately goes to the premier of the show....and objects publicly to the lovemaking on stage when the plays in progress....nd spoils all of Max’s chances of a career in theatrics...nd whats funny..is when max confronts her..she refuses to say SORRY!!!that one magical word that could do wonders for people in love....(oh my my....im actually supporting this much cliched.....bilieve)hehe.......but she does it in the end...and they kiss and make up....end of story....
i would give it a 3.5 on 5....i m pretty excited about evening today....m goin to a theme park...been waiting to go on the rides since ages....LACK of compnay...damn....!!!!im becoming a friendless person...or am i!!neway...next month this timeill be much too bucy to bludge around....
and for people who were wondering what the ice cream incident was i mentioned in my last post...well...last weekend...a friend and I had gone to HUNGRY jacks to grab lunch...and mercury levels were soaring that time of the day....i felt like eating a soft serve...it was YUMM!!!!.....ummmm!!!!vanilla dipped in chocolate sauce....well becoz it was soo hot...the ice cream started to melt and drip along the sides of the cone...even while i was taking big mouth fulls....and i had to make tongue manouvers and lick around the cone...different angles and directions....and there was a group of indian guys!!! Sitting not that far from us...they were following us with their eyes....or to be precise should i say...me licking my ice cream....my friend was making subtle hand movements to make me realise i was doing the right thing at a wrong time....but i manage never to realise on time....like always....and by the time i had realised what was on...it was to late to rectify....Bloody indian guys....conjuring all types of images...out of a hot!!!! (all puns intended...hehe;)) Ice cream loving gal enjoying her ice cream....wel i have decided never to have cones in public on super hot days.....oopsie daisy...i just remembered i have to make my chicken....and shower and iron my clothes....before its time to leave for the evening...catch ya later.....(i wonder if a blog can have gender assigned to it....like people usually assign genders to diaries....lol...mines a guy!!!)neway....gotta go.....

CoMeDy Of ErRoRs....!!!

some day it was yester....the morning started of with a commotion....my roomie was moving...nd hence things all over the place....misplaced my train pass...hunted for it..finally got it...ran to the station...nearly got killed...lol....thnakfully work was normal....just when i was getting excited abt leaving office..and calling it as day...i managed to knock my cupof water over..nd the H2O flowed onto my chair...nd before i could gather up what had happened...my trouser got "wet" in the wrong place....it had to have happened 5 mins before i was meant to leave the damn place..nd walk out in public...luckily...was wearing dark chords nd it wasnt tht obvious...

walked into the hairdressers place...and got my hair styled...the guy(kindof gay..actually im sure hes gay) ..i kindof have this thinking all guys who r hairdressers are gay!!!i mean....its too obvious by their body language............he tried to ask me if i would go out with him...i was like...GOD!!!didnt think i wld be arnd to see a day when gay people would ask me out...hehe....rushed back home...was meant to help my friend with some of the moving stufff....reached kindof just on time....well after the moving was done....we had an exchange about our individual embarassing moments in life...turned out,,i was not the only one..having a bad da......oops i missed the icecream incident....oh well that can be done nother day...

let me be the one.....

another ditch in the road...
u keep moving...another stop sign...
u keep moving on....
nd the years go by so fast...
wonder how i ever made it through....
........................................
I want to live like an animal....
careless and free like an animal....
i want ot live....
nd run through the jungle.....
the wind in the hair...
and the sand at my feeeeeeeeeeeeet.....

somethings that mimic my wishlist....

these were lines from two of my favourite songs...there was a time when i used to be madly in love with the duo..that make up savage gardens....their songs...( the guys were pretty cUtE!!!tooooo....lol)

havent listened to them in a long time....donno why i suddenly got reminded of them...and downloaded a couple of their songs....old flames never die out i guesss...hehe....some logic and reasoning i have for things i do or say..BOY!!!it surprises me a lot of the times tooo....why i do things i do...oh welll....office resumes from monday....today is kindof my last bludging day....so doing taking advantage of tht.....quiet a hot day.....kindof a PErfect BEACH day...but booo hoooo....havent found decent company..nd its no fun without comapny...so decided to catch up on watching movies..currently multi tasking ..watching spider man 3!!the prints bad:( nd blogging and downloading songs....wooohoo just finished downloading...gonna get lost in my world for now..signing offff......MUUUAAAAAAAAH....

If OnLy!!!!

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit” -Napoleon Hill

i have uploaded a couple of really messed up barely watchable video footage of the NYE fireworks...and a still snap..

heres a joke...i found somewhere...Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

heres another one....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".

ok enough of lame jokes...lol...heres something else ......which mimics my feelings completely..and i guess it does for a lot of other people out there tooo....
its called ....if only....

There are times in my life when I sit back, close my eyes, take a deep breath and say..."if only". Then I find myself locked in once more in the past....I can't seem to move on. One minute I'm moving forward and then Im reminded of something, next thing I know I'm back in memory lane. Going through all the good times that I never thought would end...oh it feels so good to belong, to know that someone will always be behind you and you would feel like you can do anything cause you believe that when everything goes wrong, someone would catch you and prevent you from being broken....but when the person whom you believe to be more than your lover but a bestfriend too turned out to be a hypocrite then you would see that everything that surrounds you slowly melts away because they are all lies, then you would realize...if only you could turn back time....that's how I feel. If only I could turn back the hands of time then in a heartbeat I would say what I truly feel inside, I would no longer care if I would look stupid or whatever, bottomline I would be free. Its so difficult to lock up something in your heart because it just strengthens over time and when you cant finally contain it you would explode and your heart will be blown out, you wouldn't know where to find the scattered pieces. In just one wrong decision and here I am, sitting....remembering....having too many "if only's" and once again I feel as if I am in a middle of nowhere....totally lost. I know that no matter how many times I say "if only" I cant undo what has been done and that's the saddest part, we always have to live in the consequences of everything we say and do, it's the reality that life isn't like a computer that when you did a wrong command all you have to do is click the undo button or the escape key then your system is still safe....and with every painful memory, you can't just go delete it...you have to deal with it which makes me say "IF ONLY moving on is as easy and simple as saying it....IF ONLY".

things to do...resolve to do...

hey hey..this beggining of the year...feeling...making resolutions....always makes me laugh...its like a thing you have to do....and feel guilty about later...when couple of mnths down the line..u reflect on the to do list...and realise...SHIT!...havnt kept up to them....but everyone tends to make em neway....im no different....well...reflecting on the past year..i know im different..i feel different about a lot of things in general.....this 2nd jan as opposed to this time last year...in certain ways....im better offf..again in certain respects im worse offf...well it balances off kindof .....life never a BED of RoSeS!!!aye....neway...i have grown to accept a lot of things....i used to winge about earlier on....

thats how it is i guess...people learn to deal and live with things...after a while....u stop caring about the shit thats happenign around....the white noise....the chaos around....seems to be deafening at first ...nd theres this feeling of drowning.....but gradually it dims out and u get so used to it...taht u would actually miss it ...if it stopped to exist...problems....wow...im surprised at my own logic...but i donno...this is how it happened with me....

stopped expecting...no more highhhhhhh hopes....better this way...at least no massacres....that way...
well well....i totally got deviated from what i started with....(thats the effect of what i read on a certain humans blog) i was surprised at how he had managed to spell out in words exactly what i feellll.....i guesss....im not the only one...thrs more like me....hehe....

Neway getting back to resolutions....welll...i have decided to bludge lesss.....work efficiently....not at home..i meant study wrk....wrap up a lot of wrk before uni resumes...KUDOS!!!!...to me..if i manage that....socialise heaps more.....it actually tends to give mod lifts even though im mostly lost in my own world of imagination....read heaps of books a have quiet a list...and watch loads of movies....that list aint taht long...but quiet so....neway....nd definitely blogrolll....im so damn addicted to this now....its a great stress release i find....lol.....pretty stressed im mostly......neway...should get back to my readings.....have loads to do....but damn..my FEET still hurt reallly bad!!!Booo Hoooo....signing offf....wishing all a great year ahead....MMMMMMUUUUUAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH....!!!!!

a lazy moment...

yesterday was quiet aday...a came across so many wierdos...couple of gay people...all dressed in pink and perfect straightened hair and alll...some people dressed up in wierd outfits...out on the streets in the city...all shimmering and glimmering...looking more like people straight out of a circus cast than party animals....

spent most of today sleeping....managed to get over the crazy yesternite hangover...but man do my feet hurt...my stilletoes gave me horrible feet aches...contemplating cancelling work tomorrow...and getting some research work done..and giving my poor feet some more rest.....boy today was a HOT day...it gives that feeling...didnt feel like doin anything but lie around....and eating icecream or chilled drinks...nother year begins today...and i have made a lot of resolutions....to lead at least a couple of months of principle-lead-life...lol...lets see if i can stick to it...and also have resolved to waste less time surfing...randomly...did get abitof work done today...will get heaps done tommorow tooo....woohooo....

reflections on year 2007...

damn..a year flew past at lightning pace...dont mind my errors..im not in my best state of mind i guess...had wrk today...then couple others chores...and finally having nothing better to do...joined my roomie and her kindof unknown group of friends for the new years eve....saw the 9oçlock fireworks...awesome...even managed to get some video and still footage with my fone camera..lolz....and then headed to some club in the city...i donno what had gotten into me...i drank a bit too quick...and that lead to certain revelations...and converstaions taht shdnt have hapened at alll......too many long islands and others...tend to have their effect....thank god ..i dnt have work tomoorow...but this new year...is meant to be a new start...i have promised myself not to repeat a lot of stupid things i have done in the past year...and specially i have decided to get things..under controlll...and get my life back on the rite track...if thats at all possible..i dnt regret ....taht i went out and got kindof trashed...tonite...coz this was needed to reflect on a lot of issues i needed to deal with...glad for that....i guess...btw for those who r wondering ...i looked pretty hot tonite...;)...i knw im too humble...but not nemore....hehe....its 3:06 pm...i shld go to bed..the effect of the alcohol is slowly dyeing out...i can feel it....but whatevr i do ox the drink...i incidentally tried out a shot today called..WET PUSSY...lolz....quiet a name..but yes..toomuch alco..and i cant even remember the exact taste of the damn thing....so badly wanted to try drink some screwdriver..but no onelet me...DAMN....neway...a nice tiome spent all in all..nd i shld go to sleeeppp...catch up later....HAPPY NEW YEAR to evryone....pardon the gibberish..if any...

new year begins....

hey hey..brand new year... had a oxly time i reckon...on 31st .....cant remember half the things i ve done...or whatever the hell happened....hehe...shal get back later.....brand new year..brand new opportunities...lolz....byeeeee...just got back home...

white noise....& the reflective silence....

i kept drifting into and out of this trance like slumber so often...it felt like i was heavily drugged...a light..almost feather like feeling..but a head as heavy as lead...can't begin to describe it properly...but that was what the beginning of this week was like....i got back home yesterday....and the insomnias siezed me....it has me tightly gripped...beginning to live like a zombie...not getting enough sleep..resemble a ghost more than i resemble a frail human....

inspite of the fact that i dnt have a well balanced diet...i donno where from pimples get their nourishment...they are happily...multiplying...(OH god...no no its not multiplying...i meant they are playing their own hide and seek game).....i dont nourish a farm...hehe....

i have been watching quiet a lot of films lately...a wild mix of hollywood and bollywood (kindoff)....among ones i saw..worth mentioning is LOLITA...well yes its the picturisation of the "ïnfamous" controversial russian literary Vladimir Nobokov....

Well anythign out of the ordinary...or if i may say...deviant from normality...undoubtedly ...gets my undivided attention....to put it in a better way...i get hooked on to uncoventional stufff...lol be it people..or things...or idea...hehe...

nd i tried reading the book a year or two back...but the style of writing though excellent..the descriptions described in the book are pretty detailed...and i wasnt quiet able to continue with the book...but wanted to hear the end...and hence decided to get the film from the closest dvd Place....well..the film excellently made...Jeremy irons...the guy who plays one of the protagonists (prof. Humbert) did a great job...and his nymphet...the 12 yr old ...dominique swain...a gorgeous girl...did justice to the character......i felt mixed emotions while watching the film...while it kindof disgusted me the whole...nymphet...middle aged man screwing relation...at the same time...i appreciated the bond they shared..their little "secret"....oh well..all in all.....a good film......

My my it seems i have no life...its a miserable feeling...im embarrased even admitting it...but its kindof true...but yeah...oh welll....im happy in my unhappiness...and depression...and all that crap...nothign i do can make things betetr...got the hang of trying...so im goin with flow...lets see where i end up...lol....

end of another year...

Boy was this year quick...it flew past in the blink of an eye...hard to bilieve its almost 2008 can feel myself growing old...no xcitement about birthdays...or new year..or nething else about life in general ....lol...feels funny...when i think about it...its just more responsibilities...more of crapped up life...nd nothing atall interesting to look forward to...all i can see when i close my eyes..are..a cracked mirror....a dark...dingy room....smoke outside....nd bad visibility....clouded vision...i plan to plan such a lot of things...but my rotten luck..i guess...that nothing i ever want or plan goes as planned...lifes just fucked up....learnt from past expirience...no more elaborate planns for me...going with the flow...is better..at least no more smashed hopes and broken hearts....hope though that the new year is a bit different....have many randoms things in mind....lets c if they happen...gotta go now...

AN emotional FOOOLLL.............

My my was today a busy day....i had wrk all day today...pretty much....first at my usual place nd then at the park.....i did the night shift....which wasnt too bad...my trainer...was an auusiiee gal ( tasiee to be more precise) and we talked heaps....coz it wasnt a crowded day....hardly neone was coming to out window...hehe....she turned out to be way younger than me...though her built...(shes a significant bit healthier than me) suggested otherwise....neway.....it was super windy when i left milsons point....looked like a night shot out of a bollywood film.....i pretended to be a lost scared gal (actress ...in case someones wondering)...hehe......
Yesterday....chritmas party was good....it was at a hotel .....ambience was great...and people had shed their office look and also...i have noticed that at such gatherings one actually gets to see the animal inside....behind the composed features.....plenty of food and drinks...i hardly ate the main course...coz 1) i had too many prawns (entree) and i cant bilieve i actually tried half a fried baby octopus...wasnt as disgusting ias i had anticipated it to be...it actually tasted “normal”..but i couldn’t get over the fact that it was an octopus.....nd checked it....
Neway....i wore all red....except for my JACKET which was black....DAMN...have to buy a red jacket...although black was quiet acontrast and looked good....nd i looked good (ok...i know you must have raised your eyebrows already....abt how “HUMBLE” i’m ...but i cant lie can i.....???)but it turned out a lot of people at work turned up in red...well no one was all RED though ....from head to toe....apart from ME..ME....ME.....;)i tried LONG ISLAND ICE TEA....BoY! was it good....the first sip hit me....i felt it....got kindof a bit “TIPSY”after that and some champagne....all the things ...feelings ...emotions ....i have been trying to block out came rushing back....and i almost did call “someone”up.....but didnt...eventually....thank GOD for that.....or it would have turned into a messy episode...may be....
These days i have started doing stuff i normally wouldnt do....i kindof try not to think toooooo..much before doing something...coz my habbit of constant analysis just spoils the fun ......wrenches it out of a lot of things....nd i actually quiet like it this way....
Oh well...slept in today...a bit ...and then work as usual....nd then luna park.....finised work at 10:00 got hoem at 11pm....and chit chatted with my roomies for a while...just finised watching WO H LAMHE....one of my favourite films...not coz i think the protagonists have done a really good job..but becoz.....i can relate to the plot...it seems so surreal the fact that some one can love someone else to the extent they have portrayed in that film.....would have to be bloody lucky....i would say....this films mesmerizes me every time i see it...no matter how many times i have already seen it..i always end up with moist eyes....towards the end....its just too touching....but im trying so hard to become a stone hearted soul......would be better offf......i reckon....all this emotional stufff...seems like a waste of time....and breathe....coz at the end of the day...LIFE is a bitch...and people around even more so....nd i tend never to get nething out of time invested into nourishing relations.........
GOD...its like quater to three almost...and im up late typing up this blog....what the helll.....i so dont have a LIFE.....DAMMIT!!!!!i am goin to visit a frnd tommorroww..she has heaps planned...which hopefully...if weather permits....we will be able to do all that she has plaaned out....then.....some more time devoted to nourishing relations....lol....its my birthday.....another damn....day....nother year closer towards DEATH......tahst how i have started looking at it.....DAMN...i sound majorly depressed even to myself.......CRAP.....i should be happy.....neway...im too tired....should go to sleeep i guesss.....signing off.....

this thing called...LIFE

hehe...im back yet nother evening....or should i say nite...was so convinsed that i would not waste time...well i did make an honest effort....but DAMN...SEEK was stuffing up....will make nother effort to do some work now....wanted to try out some noodles from the shop down the corner...MAN...did i get a shock...it says FRIED HOKKIEN NOODLES...nd the pic is quiet a decent one..a platter full of prawn...and somethign tht resembles chicken...but when i started eating and chewed half of this ""THING"" did i realise i just swallowed an octopus....eoooowww....neway...never experimenting with asian food ever again....something amusing happened yesterday...lol...i walked into the house ......rite into an almost "OX-making" ....took me a sec to realise and thn i bolted out of the door to get a good laugh...hehe....

tomorrow is our office chrissy party....well im wasnt too xcited abt the party untill today...when on the train back home...my friends and i started gossiping..to be precise BITCHING....muhahaha..abt certain other interesting people...nd the discussiion is bound to continue and get juicier tomorrow...looking forward to it...OH and most of all....IM the RED gal tomorrow....its an all red look i shall have.....i ox dressing up needless to say...nd im obsssessed with RED!!!!well its at coogee at some hotel....nd after lunch we can take full advantage of the promiximity of the BEACH....nd strangely enough ( its great though) we can dress up in beach compatible outfits if we wanna....cant wait for tommorrow....its gonna be heaps fun...and mite be travelling to the mountains to visit a frnd and look arnd over the weekend....nd then MONDAY is my DdAY...not that im too xcited abt it...this day has lost its charm....gone are the days when i used to wake up a happy angel on the day.....now too much is on in life....the excitement getting drained too often....neway....thats how life is i guesss...LIFE...or something called LIFE....

yet another meaningless moment....

its the end of another weekend...sunday nite...almost Monday (SHIT!!!) i should be in bed....but as usual insomnia.... insomniac---ihave become one....is keeping me up...nd my too much of brainwork...more of wastage....hehe....i should have gone out with a friend yesterday..but....didnt feel like socialising....doesnt sound like me to myself...but yes....stayed home today as welll...ended up doin some productive work though today.....talked to my folks....didnt have much to say..they kindof picked up the hesistation between lines....nd someone else tried their best to annoy me as much as possible.....a nutjob....neway....nother week of office and then....its holidays.....

Woke up to a phone call from WRK today...i completely messed up my roster...i was meant to be working today...but instead was in dreamland....and woke up to my supervisors phone call....lol....have to be more carefull...made a blunder on the first day of work too with the cash...thats a story for soem other day though...hehe...talked to a couple of friends after a long time todaay...managed to piss one of them off totally.....to a point where shes isnt talking to me nemore....damn dnt knw how to make her see the intended joke that she took seriously....

im so tired...after awhole two days of doing nothing..it amazes me...how i can still be tired....may be its the mental drainage or is it somethign else...donno....too tired to figure taht out even...its time to say nitez....

the uncanny....

i have always been bit too curious..unhealthy curiosity for the world beyond us..the other world...of the supernatural...well who isn't interested in them...evryone is rite?? i have always wanted an encounter of the sort (with a spirit or soul) my granma used to spank me whenever i brought this up.....but yeah...neway...back in 2001 while in high school had tried seance with my cuzns...well not seriously..ended up pouring molten wax on ourselves...but two years back we tried it seriously again..and this time..i felt somethign...so did one of my cuz....liek a chill going up the spine...were too scared to ever bring it up again...thats nite i cdnt go to sleep kept seeing wierd patterns and shapes in the dark...and the entire nite there were rattling noises near my window sill....man was i scared....

never went dwn tht lane ever after that ....ended up doin no productive work in the morning...my roomies niece came over..a 4 yr old...shes such a sweetheart....seeing kids makes me appreciate a lot of things in life...at times...wonder what it wld be like to have a kid hanging around me all the time...shld be fun...neway....my world pretty much revolved around her for the greater part of the morning...nd later had some good time conversing abt how shitty life can be...as usual.....but a lot of things and perceptions in general about life have changed for me...my cousin actually got kindof worried abt me when i was talking to her the other day....she thought i had issues i shld discuss with her...or i would apparently go mad...

Now im super sleepy...tried to watch a film..but mind wasnt really into it...then tried reading a book but no cdnt do tht either...just digging into past...was goin thruough some conversation i have had with some then significant people...lifes such az bitch...i tend to get penalised for all sort of things i havnt done..donno why...this restlessness is just

with or without a reason....

another day is getting over...a bright sunny day it was....quiet an ok day....i was having a conversation with one of the gals at work...she is having troble in her relationship...so is my roomie...evryone i know is kindof actually.....evryone thinks their problem is the worst ....to each his/her own....i guess...a lot of people..friends from back home and here....i sometimes think (well actually a lot) why do people like or even love other people...what is it in others that attracts people to them...i go for the inside person more than outside....not tht it doesnt matter but...yeah...neway....a high skool friend txtd me today...from india..i had lost her number...and kindof she had been pushed to the background...too..even though we spent good times together this time.....felt good she acyually took time to sms me and let me knw her details updated...ill try to keep touch....theres these few people....even if i channelise a lot of effort into keeping good terms with them..they cdnt be bothered....or rather..make sure they make it obvious....this after a lot of sweet memories...is just a shocker....one feels really hurt for a week or so..then it kindof sinks in..and then you learn to accept things the way they are and live on like it never happened....i guess....certain times...though....its just horrible...a fresh stab...when u have a normal conversation...and get the feeling its all like old times...but no...the misunderstanding is cleared up soon enough when u hear the back bitching/back stabbing from random people...shreds of conversation that is....i have stopped trying to work out these things once and for all.. they r just not worth the effort...just a lot of wasted emotions and breathe on a lost cause....im really hungry...should go eat something...